The Lodge Election/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW There's nothing scarier than when your doctor delivers the bad news... That you gotta eat more vegetables and cut down on your drinking. Talk about a double whammy. Well, here's a trick that will make everybody happy... Drink your vegetables. I'm not talking about getting one of those fancy juicers. I say use your garbage disposal. It's self-cleaning, doesn't take up any counter space, and it won't cost you an arm and a leg, unless you get your suspenders caught in the blades. Now, I put a y-connector on the output side of the unit. And in this position, it's just a regular garbage disposal. The goo just goes down the drain. But for juicer mode, I swing her over to the dispenser, and you put a glass underneath her. I would recommend you use a beer stein. Presentation is everything. And I just throw in a handful of vegetables, and it's just what the doctor ordered. Let's toss this salad. Full of vitamins... And minerals. [ cheers and applause ] thanks very much. Appreciate it. Yeah. Big kerfuffle up at the lodge this week. Harold lost his wallet. Everybody's lookin' all over the place for it, because he's the one guy who actually has money in it. Turns out I had it in my pocket. I forgot I'd borrowed it from him to use a credit card to jimmy open a pay toilet. And then I got the wallet out, and I saw a library card in there, and I thought, boy, this can't be my wallet. Uncle red, they said you found my wallet. Yeah, there it is, harold. Oh! Thank goodness. Thank goodness. Oh, that's great. Yeah, thank you. So where was it, on the floor, up in the rafters or something like that I bet, huh? Did you just kiss me, harold? My way of saying thank you. Well, a wedgie is my way of saying your welcome. Hey! Don't ever do that. I won't. But the good news is that while we were looking for his wallet we found a whole bunch of other stuff that we thought we'd lost. We got loose change and tools, a motorcycle. Old man sedgwick's brother. Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Look what we found. Yeah, it's the original lodge charter. From the very first days of the lodge. Yeah, we found it in a can of rat poison. [ all coughing ] okay, red, there's good news and there's bad news. Now, the good news is, uh -- okay, the bad news is the charter says that the lodge leader can only serve for... I-v years, whatever that is. I-v must mean I need to be hooked up with a drip. Well, I am. Ha! Ha! Ha! Iv is the roman numeral for the number four. That means we have to have an election every four roman years. You've been holding office illegally, red! We have to have an election for a new leader. Well, fine, then have an election, if you can find anybody to run against me. I will. I will. I will. Okay, all you have to do is pay five dollars to get your name on on the ballot, and you're a candidate. I'm out. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for a personalized gift from zelda's body waxing parlour, "where we remove your hair and then remold the wax "into a romantic candle with a thousand wicks." okay, cover your ears, winston. Uh, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get winston to say this word.... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go! Uh, okay, winston, you say this before dinner. Pass the ketchup. No, no, this is more of a prayer. Hope we're not having asparagus. No, no. Okay, say you wanna get into heaven, but you committed a lot of sins, you appeal to god's... Sense of humour. No, no, winston, this is what saves people. Amazing... Luck. No, okay, gonna go another way with it. Let's you meet somebody who's elegant and charming. You would say they're full of... It. Okay. Okay. Okay. You know, there was this great actress, she made a bunch of movies. In fact, her name described her best feature. Oh, chesty morgan! Uh, we're almost outta time, mr. Green. Yeah, yeah. Winston, every year, at the annual lodge dinner, you stand up and say, "holy..." I-I can't say that on tv, red. I'll disgrace myself. There we go! We have a lodge member who has a new show on the port asbestos tv station and it features one of his favourite activities... Snowmobiling. I should get a watch. But he'll be here in a minute. Uh, his name is blair cobden, and it's just so nice to see a young person with some get up and go. [ snowmobile ] [ crash! ] red: Okay, how's it goin', blair? Good. I picked up your mail. Yeah, all right, just, uh, have a seat. Boy, it's got to be great to have a snowmobiling show, eh, blair? You can shoot it in the winter and then spend all summer to heal. Actually, red, they actually make me shoot the show in the hot weather. The station only has the one camera. They use it in the winter to shoot peewee hockey. Oh, okay, well, what I thought we'd do is run a few clips from your show, and then you and I can talk about what we're seein'. That's not what I would do, but, hey, this is your show. Uh, all right. Well, okay. Blair: So this is me takin' out the sled. I had one of those garage door remote thingys installed. For security, because I didn't want anybody stealing the sled back. But for some unknown reason the thing started to mess with my neighbour's fancy suv. I'm wondering maybe if you picked up his remote by mistake. No, I had the right controller. I just -- I got this metal plate in my head, and I think it messes with electronic signals. When there's a full moon, I get hbo. Red: Oh, there she goes. Okay. Okay. She's opening up now. All right, so there's the unit there. Okay, now -- wow! Uh, okay, is it safe to drive a snowmobile on the road like that? Yeah, I think so, but it's pretty loud. I gotta keep her under 80 kliks or I can't hear the radio. Blair: Oh, this is my buddy gary. He's hitchhiking because he trashed his girlfriend's car. You didn't exactly stop for him, though. The sled stalls when I stop, so gary had to find a way to jump on at high speed. Anyway, what I wanted to show the viewers, red, is that having a snowmobile is just as good as having a car. Red: Oh, yeah, I see that. I see that. Blair: You can make anything work, as long as you put your mind to it. You know, a snowmobile is an awesome machine. I don't even miss driving a car. Oh, that's right. How did you lose your license again? Put it this way, if you ever hit a moose while driving a forklift, you just keep driving -- [ applause ] you know, we all have preowned vehicles of unspecified value, strategically placed throughout our real estate holdings. The question is, can you do anything with crap? Obviously the answer is yes. We're in our 14th season. For example, why not take everything that still works from the car and use it to upgrade this old fishing boat? With a little work and way too much imagination we can turn this unit into something that really kicks bass. To get the engine out of this baby, you wanna soak the motor mounts with penetrating oil. Loosen 'em up a little bit. They're rusted on there pretty solid. This stuff would make a great laxative. Okay, I got the engine and transmission mounted up front here. It's front wheel drive, so that made it easier. But I'm going to need something to use as a rudder. Possum lake's pretty small, so you need to be able to steer. You know, I'm thinking one of these doors would make a dandy rudder. That one. Okay, got the steering all hooked up so that my door rudder is pulled side to side. When I turn the -- oh, she's locked. Gotta turn the key on. [ warning signal beeping ] what the heck? Oh, the door's open. I made some other changes too. I tuned the car radio to the weather station, and I disconnected the speedo and hooked the mechanism up to the sun visor. That makes it into a fish scale. I also left the rearview mirror on there so you can see the one that got away. And you know, the armrest and headrest make dandy boat fenders. But she's still a little front heavy, which is okay for a lot of things in life, but a boat isn't one of 'em. There we go. Okay, not only have I solved the front heavy problem, I've installed a 360° swivel fishing chair, something every bass fisherman wants. And that's an oversized tire, in case you have a fat bass. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And now if you'll excuse me, I've got bigger fish to fry. [ applause ] there was a movie that came out back around the time bernice and I got married. It had a line in it that said, "love means never having to say you're sorry." it was a love story. I don't remember the title. Anyway, as the years went by, we learned that love not only means having to say you're sorry, but most times you actually have to mean it. These days, sorry is a part of our daily vocabulary, along with "ow," "oops," and "how did that happen?" my wife and I are sorry a lot. For instance, I'm sorry I snored last night. And bernice is sorry she tried to smother me with a pillow. Likewise, bernice is sorry she bought me that sweater with the elves on it. And I'm sorry I used it to mop up the paint spill. See, sorry works. It's the best tool we have. At least until they build a time machine so we can go back and not do the stupid things we're apologizing for. That movie was wrong. Love is not never having to say you're sorry. If you spend your life with one woman and never apologize, you're in for a rough ride, believe me. I know you didn't wanna hear that. Sorry. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ ♪ upbeat jazz ] ♪ cheers ♪ ♪ here's to you and me ♪ ♪ baby, can't you see ♪ ♪ we can win the day ♪ ♪ show the way ♪ ♪ we've got the world before us ♪ ♪ we're gonna be rich not poor us ♪ ♪ don't be a brontosaurus ♪ ♪ go to it, we can do it ♪ [ ♪♪ ] this is going to be broadcast nationally, so don't be nervous, okay. [ shuddering ] welcome to "decision debate" with your host harold green. [ voice cracking ] I'm harold. Each candidate has 30 sexist -- seconds -- seconds -- 30 seconds to discuss what they're going to be discussing -- we'll start with winston rothschild. Thank you, uh, harold. Friends, you know me. You know that I'm there when you have a problem. Like when your septics explode and you can't breathe and your eyes are watering so bad that is shrinks your tie. But I go in there and I clean up the problem and I take it away with me... And dump it in the lake. So you have a chance to show your appreciation. Now, according to the polls, I'm in the deep stuff right now. So I'm counting on each and every one of you to suck it up and cast a vote for winston rothschild. We all know politics stinks. So why not send a guy who's used to it? [ applause ] that's 30 seconds. Thank you. Now mr. Mike hamar. Thank you, harold. A vote for mike hamar is a vote for honesty. And change. And me. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, rip taylor. Okay -- actually, uncle red, mike still has 15 seconds. Mike: Huh?! Yeah. And, uh -- oh, also, um -- oh, I almost forgot, if elected, I promise -- and that's 30! Okay, good. You wanna be fair here. Okay, uncle red. Well, I don't have much to say. I've been doin' the job for 20 years. If you're okay with that, toss me a vote. And if you're not, get somebody else, and I'll get over it. [ applause ] uncle red, you promised nothing. And I'm just the man to do it. [ cheers and applause ] red: Walter was having trouble, couldn't get his car going, so both of us opened the hood and pretended we knew what we were doing. We're just touching stuff, basically. [ honking ] okay, that's the horn. I figured maybe if I hook up some jumper cables, something should happen. I was right. So now walter's flashing the work light in my face and I wanna get him under the car as quickly as possible. Maybe it's something to do with the transmission linkage. Just get away, get on the other side of things. He needs a little help getting under. He can't get far enough under the car. So I may have overreacted here. But you know, you stop him and wheel him back in. It's okay, I have a license for this. And then we bring him through. He's complaining a little bit. Let's just push him back under enough to -- there, now you can get to work. Okay, later that day... I was helping as much as I could. I decided maybe I'd go and get myself a coffee, but being thoughtful, I asked walter if he'd like a coffee too. And he said yes, he would. He'd have a double latte mocha frappuccino, with, what was it, two artificial sweeteners and just a dash of cocoa powder, just a slice of my life I'll never get back. So I jump in the possum van. I'm trying to do the good thing. I didn't realise that the cord from the work light -- but to me, walter could've just let go, but oh no. And you know, I told him before, if you can't see the mirrors, I can't see you. Now, of course, I didn't even realise that, uh -- you know, if I'd have known walter was with me, I wouldn't have gotten them to go. And my hand is still twitchin' from the -- and walter's mad at me, throws the coffee, and that starts the car! Can you believe it? See, I told him not to get the decaf. Oh, and one more for mike. Yes! And uncle red. And finally... Winston. Winston. So tally the votes now. Okay. I can't believe I got so many votes. Nobody can. Well, it's a tie, a three-way tie. It can't be a tie. That's impossible. Did you vote? Yeah. Did you vote? Yeah. Did you vote? Oh, I didn't vote! I didn't vote. I still got two minutes before the polling stations close. I gotta hurry. Whew! Red: What is it? Who'd you vote for? Ah! Uncle red! [ applause ] well, as official scrutineer, I declare red our new lodge leader. Red: All right, I accept that. The people have spoken. [ possum squealing ] and so has the possum. Meeting time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down. Sorry, guys. [ chuckling ] so, uh, harold, uh, how come you voted for me? No. No. No. No. Away you go. Go on. Away you go. Get outta here. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I won the election, and I'm hoping to make our bed into my party platform. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Everybody, sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right, men, once again, you've elected me as lodge leader. I just want you to know that I don't feel any better about it than you do. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com